Time to Start Over…..Be Careful What You Ask For

I can’t believe it’s been so long since I sat down and wrote a blog. The last time I wrote anything was during my trip to San Diego in March. I would love to say that since then nothing interesting has happened to me, leading to the reason why I have not blogged, but the truth is a lot has happened. The real bummer part about my lag in blogs is that I’ve wanted to write so bad, but have had a bad case of writers block. Then again, maybe it was brains way of telling me to take some time away and just get my mind right before I sat down to write. I know this is all sounding very melodramatic, but what else is new right, lol!!! Let me explain.

So, I’m sure I don’t need to remind anyone about my feelings towards my place of employment. Because I’m sure my ranting and raving, and bitching and complaining on any and all forms of social media have pretty much got my point across….but, in case you are reading this for the first time, I HATED MY JOB!!! Whow….I know, crazy right? Did you catch the past tense there in “HATED?” As in, I used to hate it? No, it’s more along the lines of I hated the job I “use” to have. That’s right, I no longer work for that company. And while I wish the separation was because I had found better employment, it was not. Shortly after I returned from my wonderful vacation in San Diego, my former employer informed me that I was no longer wanted. And you know what? I wasn’t upset in the least.

Well, that’s not all together true. I was upset because I lost my job in more of a general sense. More because I was bummed I had to come home and tell the Wife that we were going to have to make it on one income for a bit. But, not for one second was I the least bit upset that I was no longer with that company. On a quick side note, for reasons I don’t really want to get into, I am going to refrain from mentioning what the companies name is, because doing otherwise would just more problems my way, and I don’t need them.

So, like I said, I was bummed that I had to come home and tell the Wife about me losing my job, and yes, even though I know how supportive the Wife is, and how much she loves me, I was still worried. But in true love and grace the Wife did not disappoint. When I came home and told her what had happened I was surprised with the emotion that overcame me at that moment. There I was feeling weak, vulnerable and scared….emotions I fight hard to lock away on a regular basis, and the Wife was a rock. She wrapped her arms around me and just kept saying “We’re going to be just fine” and “I’m so proud of you.” I kept telling her I could see how she was proud of me. How could she be proud of a man who lost his job and possibly put our family in a tougher situation that we are already in? But, she would not let me down. She continued to reinforce how hard I had worked every day, how I stuck in there when it seemed like the place was going to break me, but most of all, she expressed how proud she was that I did all of that for us.

One quick movie note, I love when the Wife is like this. I mean, she’s always supportive, but in times when it feels like I’m steps away from going over the edge, she’s right there to hold me, comfort and reinforce me. Kind of reminds me of one of my all-time favorite movies True Romance. I feel like I’m Clarence and she is my sweet Alabama. And no matter what I do, she just smiles at me and I hear her voice in my head sweetly saying, “You’re so cool. You’re so cool.” I know this may sound random to you if you have never seen True Romance. So fix that…go watch it…you’ll get it then.

The Wife was right. Though it took me some time to come around to her way of thinking, I knew she was right. I still could not shake the feeling of disappointment in myself. And I don’t mean that as bad as it sounds, it’s more disappointed that I could not find a way to make the situation work. But, in my defense, those asshole I worked for did everything in their power to work against me, and sometimes you just have to face facts, and accept that you are not going to win.

The real kicker of the whole “losing my job” thing was that is happened on April 1st. Yup, April Fool’s Day. Normally I would say something like, “I thought it might have been a joke,” but when it happened I just sat there with a smile on my face and said “ok” about 10 times, and then it was over. I admitted to the Wife that I was a little upset with myself because all I could think about while the D-Bag boss was rambling on about what a failure I was and how they were glad to see me go (not his exact words, but I wish they were so I could have socked him the face), was how happy I was. It was weird. I had this strange sense of relief that just swept over me, and it was like I had 500 lbs. lifted off my shoulders. I felt the biggest smile come across my face while they yammered on and on, which I did eventually see kind of pissed them off because they were scowling at me so hard I thought their foreheads were going to cave in. But then the Wife said something that really shocked me. She said, “It’s ok to be happy. You don’t ever have to go back to that place again.” Told you she was awesome.

The following weekend was fantastic. The Wife and I had such a great time together; I don’t think there was a single moment of disagreement or anything less than a smile. I was finally free of this place that made me feel so terrible about myself and brought me nothing but grief. I was free. Free to do whatever I wanted. Free to dream about my next job. Free to find out “it is” that I want to do in life……then, Monday came.

Monday is the approximate time when I started to freak, just a little. All that unbridled optimism during the weekend had now turned from “I can do anything I want,” to “Oh shit, what am I going to do now.” This is when the little voice in the back of my mind said to me, “You wanted your freedom, now you got it. What are you going to do with it? Be careful what you wish for. Don’t screw it up.” Luckily the Wife was a t work that day because I had a mini panic attack. I spent most of the day pacing and thinking. Wondering how we were going to make it. How were we going to pay the bills? What the hell had I gone and done? Luckily, I was able to calm down and not climb to the top of our complex and swan dive it off the top.

It took a bit, but I realized that I have a great opportunity to take my life by the reigns and finally feel like I have some control over the outcome. It was time to look within myself and find my own path. And this is another reason why I am so grateful for the wonderful people in my life. Friends all over reached out and expressed their sympathy for me losing my job, but every one of those phone calls and emails ended pretty much ended the same way. The all said something along the lines of , “….man that sucks, but this should be a new beginning for you. When one door closes, another one opens.” And they were all right. For the first time in a long time I actually felt like something good was going to come my way (job wise mind you), but I was going to have to work for it.

It wasn’t until the following weekend that the “something” started to become clear to me. That Sunday I was Worship Leader at church. That’s pretty much the person who helps out the Minister on that day by reading the weekly announcements, leading everyone in the opening prayer, and giving everyone the sit-stand-sit-stand instructions, lol. But within that, you get to help everyone prepare their hearts for worship, and leading them in the good word of our Lord.
After service that day, a gentleman from the church, whom I have become pretty close with, came up to me, and out of the blue asked me what I do for a living. I did my normal routine joking about my being unemployed now, but then we talked about what I “use” to do for a living. Then he said, “Have you ever thought about just reinventing yourself? Just going a whole different direction?” I laughed and replied, “Well, of course…especially now.” He looked at me and said, “You really inspired me today with your readings. I really think you should get into something where you can work with people…like do good things for others. Didn’t you say you wanted to work with vets?”

That’s when it hit me. That’s what I want to do for a living. I want to help veterans get their lives back now that they are returning home. It’s always been something I’ve just kind of talked about, but why not try and make it happen? For real this time. I felt a wave of utter happiness come over me like I have never felt before. I finally had some idea of a direction I wanted to go.

I’m happy to report since all that has happened I have been doing everything I can to contact organizations, and people within those organizations to try and find out how best to break into this new career choice of mine. I’ve been working with that gentleman from my church, because he’s in a similar field, and I’ve even met with some people within the area I want to get into. I’ve been getting a lot of help and encouragement from a lot of people, and it feels great. Is it going to happen right away, no. I might even take a few years and some more school. Is it going to be hard, yes. But am I going to give up, not a chance. I finally know where I want to go, now it’s time to make it happen. I am really looking forward to my new journey.

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