Well, it certainly has been a while since I actually sat down to write anything, let alone a blog. Sorry for the long hiatus, but I’ve been going through some things, and quite frankly, didn’t have it in me to write anything. But, I have to say, it does feel good to be writing. Writing has always been kind of cathartic for me. Which I guess is kind of ironic that I say I didn’t feel like writing because of the things I was going through….probably would have helped.
Looking at the last few blogs I have written (and it’s looking like this one is going to be included), I’m starting to feel like I am making this thing into my little therapy sessions. I never wanted that, but it seems that’s what has happened. When I started this blog I was really excited. I have always loved to write. In fact, in high school I wanted to be writer. The problem was, I was an idiot; some would say I still am (lol). But seriously, I just never took my studies seriously, and I didn’t do very well in school. But I still loved to write.
So yeah……the hiatus. I don’t know; I just seem to have a lot going on over the past few months. I don’t want to seem like I’m saying that my issues are any worse than anyone else’s, but I guess like anybody in this world, when something is happening to you, it seems like you’re the only one going through it. Plus, it always feels like problems start compounding one on top of the other.
I guess the biggest thing I have been dealing with has been my dissatisfaction with my job. Well, dissatisfaction is putting it mildly. It’s more of a visceral gut hatred for the place. I know that may have caught some of you off guard, but to say my job blows would be actually paying it a compliment. The people I work for treat their employees like dirt, and then look at you like you’re crazy when you ask them to stop. It’s ridiculous. Needless to say, I’ve been looking for a new job, but in this economy interviews have been hard to come by.
Again, I know a lot of people are going through similar things, and even worse. I know this is going to sound like a dick thing to say, especially since times are so tough right now for people, but if I hear one more damn person say to me (after I vent about work issues), “Well, you should be thankful you even have a job.” I am A-HOLES!!! That doesn’t stop the fact that I’m going through some shit, ok? I am very thankful I have a job, and I am very thankful I am able to provide for my family, but I refuse to let those facts silence me into not defending myself when I’m being mistreated or harassed at work. One should not void the other.
Sorry….had to let that out. As you can probably tell, all the drama at my job, the lack of being able to find anything new, plus the few times of coming so close to finding a new job only to have them constantly fall through at the last moment have severely done some damage to me. It’s just been so hard to keep my head and soldier on when you constantly feel like nothing positive (job-wise) is ever going to come my way. But I tried. Believe me I tried. I kept trying to keep a positive frame of mind, and most of all, keep the faith. Little did I know it was that very faith that was being stripped away little by little. I’m not going to get into my “crisis of faith” at this time, although I should talk about it at some point, I just don’t want to focus on that right now.
On second thought, maybe that is the very thing I should be focusing on. To be clear, when I say crisis of faith the last thing I want anyone to feel like is that I am going to beat them over the head with a bible or starting shoving religious rhetoric down your throats, because if you know me in the slightest you that just ain’t gonna happen. I am not a religious person, but I am a person of faith.
For one quick second I would like explain the extent of where I stand on the “religious-o-meter,” and then I will not bring it up again. Yes, I do believe in God, and yes, I do also believe in Jesus Christ and what that belief entails, but I do not, and will not claim to be a person of religion. Heck, I go to church, and don’t “claim” a religion. I just believe. Ok, as promised, that is it on the “religion” topic.
As for my faith, well, that’s another topic all together. I believe my faith has grown by leaps and bounds over the past 5 years or so. Growing up I never had much faith. And that was never really a “lack of belief in God” kind of thing; it was more along the lines of a “lack of faith in life.” It never really seemed like good things came my way growing up. I mean, yes, there were good times, but an effect of living most your life in a pessimistic household takes its toll after a while, so even when the good things come around you tend not to even notice them, or you simply blow them off and find a way to diminish them altogether.
But since meeting my wife and getting married, I feel like my faith had been restored in a major way. The Wife (as I love to call her) and I have been through some pretty hairy situations in the mere 5 years we’ve been together. So much in fact, that I am not sure other couples would have survived the same stuff we went through; which is one reason I am truly confident that we are going to be together forever. My wife is a rock. She has stood by me on more shit that I can ever list, and for that I am truly grateful.
Outside of my few really closest friends, I never had much faith in people to be steadfast and loyal. My experiences with people, and eventual expectation of people was that they will ditch you when times get tough, or when they have a better thing going. This has happened in all areas in my life, adolescence, high school, my time in the Army, my early twenties, and most of all in my very own family. So when some really bad stuff happened between me and my family early in our relationship I was for sure she was going to say, “You know what? This is not my problem, I gotta go.” And she would have been well within her rights to do so. Hell, I even told her it was ok to go, and that I would understand, but she never did. In fact, she looked at me like I was crazy (like she often does, lol) and said she would never leave, and especially not because of the malicious acts of others. Feeling that love from another person, and best of all trusting and believing in it (as I have major trust issues) has been the greatest feeling in the world.
So then why my faith is shaken you may ask. Well, I guess it’s more from feeling like I have made these great strides of becoming a better person over the past few years; have had some really nasty things done to me; made some major sacrifices, and have never asked for anything in return, yet I feel like life is still taking a huge deuce on me (excuse the reference) on a regular basis. Again, I do recognize all the great things in my life, and the wonderful people I know.
I don’t know, maybe I’m just being a crybaby over this whole work thing, and now I’m just blanketing my frustrations and lack of faith over every aspect of my life…..in fact, I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what I’m doing. It’s hard not to in situations like this. Like I said, issues compound each other. It’s like you have a problem that is the size of a pebble, but it rolls down the snow covered mountain that is life; you eventually have this giant ball of crap rolling at you, and you feel completely overwhelmed. Unfortunately, when I get overwhelmed I tend to lash out, or even retreat to old bad habits….like not trusting people and feeling like nothing good is going to happen.
That was part of the reason I started going to church again 2 years ago. It’s not only a great community of people we’ve found, but the church, as well as the people there help me feel better about myself. They calm me down and help center me. That’s part of the reason I knew I was really suffering from something with this negativity crap; I stayed away from church for about a month because I didn’t want anyone there seeing me like this.
Like this blog, it’s ironic that I did that because going to church and seeing everyone would have probably helped me work through this crap quicker. I don’t want to be like this anymore. I hate the feelings of dread and insecurity. They serve absolutely no purpose. I got into a disagreement of sorts with a very good friend of mine lately. She and I have been friends since we were in the 3rd grade, and I value her opinion very much, but the topic we were having our “tiff” over (which I won’t go into detail about, because in the end it’s not really important), we could not have been on more opposite spectrums. It got a little heated, and led to some butt-hurt feelings (mostly on my part I must admit), but in the end we talked it out. During the process of talking over our issues she made a great point. She said, “You have to learn to let things go man. It’s all about you deciding what kind of person you want to be in life, and where you want to direct your energy. Do you want to be angry all the time and hold grudges, or let things go and more at peace? Because holding a grudge is letting someone live rent-free in your mind.” Well, after that I felt like a jackass, lol. It sounded exactly like something my wife would have – and has – said to me a million times.
All joking aside though, she’s right. I mean what’s the point obsessing over situations and people, who frankly are not doing the same about you? You just drive yourself crazy, and eventually end up spilling your guts out over a blog, which in turn drives all your dear readers nuts, lol. I want to be a better person, and I do want more peace in my life. The key now is just finding a way to put all this into action. I’m trying at least. I took a yoga class with The Wife the other weekend and it was pretty cool. Except for the fact that I thought every muscle in my body was going to explode a few days later.
But seriously, I am trying. And part of that effort is shown by sitting my butt down and writing this blog. This has been good. I’m glad we could sit down and have this talk….it’s been too long. Until next time, take it easy my friends.