Honeymoon Blog Day #1: Where can a guy get something to eat around here?

So it has finally arrived, the long-awaited honeymoon.  Steph and I have been talking about, and planning, and pining for this day for over a year now, and it’s finally here.  We were both running on pure adrenaline.  We both got up around 2:30am.  I had not gone to bed the night before until somewhere around 11:45pm.  This was in part to my desire to watch Family Guy: Something, Something, Something, Dark Side, the sequel (and spoof of Empire Strikes Back) to Blue Harvest (spoof of Star Wars). I recommend it.  It was hilarious. 

Anyway, I digress.  So as sleepy-eyed as Steph and I were on Sunday morning, we were even more excited to get the hell out of Dodge…..or Virginia for that matter.  We arrived at the airport pretty early.  I was completely following Steph’s lead on this one as she is a well experienced foreign traveler, and I wouldn’t know Customs if it was sitting on my face.  Surprisingly, it was already pretty busy at 4am on a Sunday, and people were also already in full-on idiot mode.

Nothing was too bad though; although, there was one point of interest that Steph and I both caught at the same time.  When we got to the front of the line at security there were 2 TSA people checking ID’s and tickets. The gentleman looked like he could not have been happier to be working security at Dulles Airport at 4 in the morning on a Sunday (sarcasm).  I gave him and his attitude a pass.  But the young lady next to him (and I do mean “young”), she’s the one I took exception with right away.  As I handed her my passport and ticket, she looked at it, curled in her face like she had just smelled the worst fart known to man and said “Where the hell is Bridgetown?” All while chomping on her gum like a cow chewing on cud.  I had to resist the urge to smack her in the head with an Encyclopedia Brittanica and say “Look it up dear!”  On a side note, does anyone remember those commercials besides me (click on the link above to see what I’m talking about)?  I mean what the hell happened to Encyclopedia Brittanica anyway?  Oh yeah, the internet did!  My mother (who thought she was so freaking hilarious) used to say that same annoying ass line to me every time I asked a question as a kid.  Oh I hated it!!

Anyway, so instead, out of the goodness of my own heart, the desire to be a better person, but most of all the lack of having an Encyclopedia Brittanica available (because that would be weird), I smiled and simply replied, “Barbados.”  I mean, come on man!!!  Am I asking too much to think that if you are going to work in security at an airport, which part of your job is to look at passports and boarding passes all day long, is to maybe, just maybe, know where the places are that you’re reading?!?  I guess I am.  I could not help but feel that there was a lonely pole and some left over $1 bills waiting for her return. Ok, maybe that was a little mean.

From there on out, the morning was pretty smooth sailing.  We got into Miami (our layover) with plenty of time to spare.  Steph and I grabbed something to eat and just relaxed until it was time to board.  But then it happened.  Out of the corner of Steph’s eye she catches sight of some of the worst dressed people of all time.  I am so proud of Steph, she’s getting to be even better than I am at people watching, and catching people of the “Hot Mess” variety.  It’s like having another “me” there, lol.  She nudges me and says “Look at this shit.”  I instantly turn and see this couple strolling through the terminal, that honestly, my words would not do it justice.  The guy looked like a fat, poor man’s Huggy Bear, and the lady looked like an older Kirstie Alley (right before, and frankly shortly after the Jenny Craig commercials) with a bucket hat on.  That’s it people!  That’s the nicest I can put it.  If we’re friends on Facebook, take a look at my mobile uploads.  You’ll see what I’m talking about.  So, I just had to take a picture of them.  I mean, it would have been a crime not to.  It didn’t hurt that my partner in crime (the wife) was egging me on too.  Plus we needed it to show some of our friends back here who appreciate the “Hot Mess People” as much as we do.  You know who you are, lol.

As luck would have it, the fashionably-challenged couple sat right behind us on the flight to Barbados.  The guy never shut up the whole 3 hour flight.  If he wasn’t talking (louder than he should have on a plane) then he was laughing, constantly.  I thought to myself “Oh well, at least I can drown out the noise with the in-flight movie.”  The catalog on the plane said the movie was going to be “Up in the Air”.  Not bad, but I had already seen it before.  I decided to watch it again as opposed to listening to the wannabe broke-ass Miami Vice rejects behind me.  Besides, the movie had George Clooney in it.  Everyone loves Clooney.  I mean “all” women love the man, hell, even straight men love Clooney.  He was voted Sexiest Man Alive, twice.

But, for some reason the flight staff decided to veer off course (not literally) and put in “Did You Hear About the Morgans?”.  Are you freaking kidding me?!?!  I was all set to watch Clooney in another awesome performance, drop some of his witty one-liners and give some of those inescapable handsome looks into the camera (I’m starting to feel a little uncomfortable now), and now I’m stuck watching Sarah Jessica Parker whine through her dialogue, and to top it off co-star with the most annoying of all British actors in Hugh Grant.  No thank you.  Anything Clooney does is better than that, I mean because let’s face it, the man could fart on a snare drum for two hours and it would still be better than any acting those two hacks could put together.  So I read a book instead.

Eventually we landed in Barbados.  When I got off the plane and stepped atop the steps and looked around, the sight I saw could not be described in better words than “Paradise.”  Barbados is absolutely beautiful.  I will get into more detail in later sections of this ongoing blog.

We eventually made it through customs.  I was so excited; I received my first stamp in my passport.  I know its lame for me to be this excited, but I’ve never traveled before, so there!  Our cab dropped us off at the hotel, which was approx 30 minuets away from the airport (only because of lights and traffic, because Barbados is pretty small man) and we checked in and got all settled in.  After spending about the next 2 hours kind of just soaking it all in (just soaking in our surroundings and literally soaking in the pool) we decided to go grab something to eat.

This is where we ran into a problem.  See, it’s Sunday, and in Barbados, a lot of the restaurants are closed.  Or, at least the ones in our area of the island were.  Everywhere we called was closed.  This is the point where two very happy and seemingly serene people start getting very cranky like two little babies that have not eaten all day.  So, I go down and talk to the ground security guard because everyone from the office is gone home for the day.  You know where he suggests we go for dinner?  Wait for it…..KFC!!  That’s right; Barbados has, and apparently loves Kentucky Fried Chicken!!!  I was shocked.  I stared at the security guard and thought to myself, “Guy, I did not just spend almost 6 hours on a plane, and travel to the East end of the Caribbean Islands to taste some of the Colonel’s secret recipe.  I can do that at home!”  Instead, I politely declined and asked for a cab.

Luckily we had a pretty god cabbie.  He took us into Holetown (pronounced in Barbados as Hole-town but the British who previously ruled there pronounce it Ole-town).  There we found a plethora of open establishments.  We eventually settled on a place called “Just Grillin’.”  Get it?  Like saying “Just chillin’.”  Anyway, our driver said it was the best place to get authentic Bajan (pronounced Beige-an, instead of Barbadian, this is how the people of Barbados refer to themselves) cuisine.  And you know what, it was awesome!  The food was really no different than any other type of grill joint here in the U.S., but the spices and the flavors the Bajan’s use, is simply out of this world, and, this is the first place, but certainly not the last, where I tried Rum Punch.  So good.

After dinner we made our way back to the hotel and simply just collapsed.  We were so tired from all the traveling.  This has been a fantastic day.  Can’t wait for tomorrow, when we go on our Jeep Safari tour of the island.  Catch you all later.  Night mon!!

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