Don’t Wet the Knob

Germs are everywhere, and ever since the whole H1N1 thing you can’t go two feet without needing to pop out your personal hand sanitizer.  But germs have always been around; it’s not until we get older that we actually care.  I mean, remember when we were kids?  All decisions were governed by the 5 second rule, 10 seconds if you “really” didn’t care.  I actually saw someone the other day at work drop a piece of food, pick it right back up and say “5 second rule man.”  Now, if I were 10 years old again I would have agreed, but I found myself just shaking my head and saying, “That’s disgusting man.  Do you know how many germs you just put in your mouth?”  I have to say, that got me thinking.  I mean, no kidding right?  Why else would I be blogging about something?

So people have said to me that your whole view on germs and cleanliness change when you have kids.  But I don’t have any kids and I’m already there.  I think for me it was the four years spent in the military.  You spent so much of your time trying to keep everything clean and orderly, mostly out of fear of some random ass inspection, and on the flip side you live with some of the most disorganized and nasty mofo’s you’ll ever meet.  It’s the crazy extreme of both worlds at once.  Lucky for me, I never had a chance to let any of the craziness out of my system when I got out of the Army because I immediately moved in with my best friend.  And let me tell you what, although I love this unnamed friend (strictly for his own protection) to death, I wanted to kill him everyday. It was like living with a child who refused to clean up after itself.  Oh it was bad.

But I digress.  As I said earlier, I have just been noticing lately how people really “still” don’t seem to care about the whole “germ” thing.  But I do!  So on that note, I want to share a few of my experiences of late with you.  Here we go…..

For those that “really know me” know I love getting haircuts.  I’m serious, I LOVE them, no joke.  It’s my one time when I get to sit and really reflect and just relax.  For some reason it’s really like a Zen moment to me.  I just sit there and feel the hair fall away, feeling refreshed and brand new when finished, kind of like a new start.  There is nothing I enjoy better than getting a haircut after a stressful week or month. On the flip side, if I am disturbed while getting a haircut, or get a bad barber that hurts me or gives me bad cut, everybody look out.  I’ll be in a bad mood for at least a week.

So about 3 weeks ago I went in for my regular haircut.  I sit down in the first chair available, because I’m not picky and give everyone a shot.  Everything is going pretty well for about the first 6 or 7 minutes.  Then something caught my eye in the mirror in front of me.  I could see the lady cutting me hair in the mirror (as there was a mirror in front and back of me), she keeps sniffling and wiping her nose with her forearm.  This is also the hand she’s holding the scissors in too.  Needless to say, this has pulled me out of my Zen-like state.  The sniffing was nonstop and very annoying.  Then it happened.  She sneezed, and not just any kind of sneeze either.  She stepped back (that was the only thing she did right), raised her arm and sneezed right on the scissors.  Right on them like she was trying to cover her mouth with her hand, but they were occupied with the scissors. 

My first thought wasn’t really anything bad or disgusted, I was just thrown back like “why didn’t she just use the inside of her arm like we’ve been shown on TV?”  I can guess the answer, but I’m not going into that out of not wanting to get into a debate with anybody.  Anyway, like I said, I was fine right up until I looked up and saw her making a beeline right for my head with the same scissors she just sneezed on.  To say I freaked out would be putting it lightly.  Right as the scissors almost reached my head, I lurched forward and said something to the effect of “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”  She stood there stunned, as did the rest of the barbershop employees and attendants. Usually I’m not one to ever make a scene, I almost never complain from bad service at restaurants, I’m just not that guy.  But this time was different.  This lady had essentially spit on scissors and was going to touch my head with them.  Man, I almost went Hong Kong Fuey in that joint.  In the end the lady finished with clean scissors and the haircut sucked because I could not relax after the whole sneeze thing.  Now I’m just annoyed because I feel like I have to find a new barber.

Why is it when people go to work they seem to act like all cleanliness rules go right out the window?  People tend to say, “This must be the way they live at home.”  I disagree.  I refuse to believe people are just straight up dirty; although I know a lot of you are.  I think people really do act different out in public than they do at home, and it’s gross.  I work with people such as this.  There are so many nasty things that go on at my work.  First off, it’s a large retail store with hundreds of people coming and going all day long.  How can you not think that germs are all over the place?  Hell, I barely can use the restrooms in my building.  People are like animals.  You should see these restrooms by the end of the day.

As an aside, the mention of our public restrooms and the lack of cleanliness has sparked a thought in my head and would like you to indulge me for a second.  For some reason, in the city of Washington D.C. retail store restrooms are the “hot spot” to meet people, particularly the men’s restrooms.  Yeah, that’s right, Senator Larry Craig style.  And not just meet; meet and get busy out in the open.  Now, I don’t care what you do in life, but do it at home man.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve walked in the restroom and found two individuals in certain situations, not limited to but also including standing there stark naked handling their business (no pun intended).

Anyway, back to our regularly scheduled program.  The above-mentioned story has led to me being traumatized and downright fearful of going into the public restrooms at work.  So I choose to use the “one” employee, single stall, restroom in our building, as do about 200 other employees.  This can cause a little backup outside the door, and make certain moments very uncomfortable.  I don’t mind the wait.  But, what I do mind is when it’s my turn and I turn to close the door the knob is soaking wet.  Oh lord, does that ever make me feel like I’m going to yak!  I mean come on man, what the hell?!?  You just spent all that time in the bathroom doing lord knows what, and you couldn’t take 5 seconds to dry your hands after washing them, hopefully.  Hell, how do I even know that’s water?

I don’t get it peeps.  I’m starting to feel like I’m being pushed closer and closer to living in an air tight bubble, or becoming like Jack Nicholson in “As Good As It Gets.”  Either way, it should be entertaining….and germ free.

  1. #1 by Sarita bo bita on March 8, 2010 - 10:23 pm

    I remember hearing on Oprah years ago that you should always use the first stall in public bathrooms because people seem to bypass it for the middle ones, hence it stays cleaner.

    And as an aside, “Don’t Wet the Knob” is the freakin’ best title EVER. It’s so insanely dirty that I’m going to be thinking about it for weeks.

  2. #2 by George on March 9, 2010 - 1:27 am

    Awesome blog. I look at people all the time and wonder if they know how many germs they are passing around or picking up themselves LOL. I dont think people realize how dirty this world is.

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