Get your damn hands off my childhood

Recently I have been noticing a very disturbing trend.  I’ve been watching as my childhood is being destroyed piece by piece.  Now, I know that sounds very overdramatic, but it’s true.  Ok, so I am going to be overdramatic, but so what, it’s my freaking blog.  Follow me here.

So, in my teen years one thing that I held near and dear to me (and still do mind you) was my music.  And, before I get on my rant here I want to express something.  I’m not now, nor have I ever been one of those people that point the judgmental finger at a band or artist that signs a big contract or joins forces with some commercial institution and yells “SELL OUT!!!”  Hell, back in the day when Green Day signed with a major record label and eventually had the average white-American fan (i.e. soccer moms and teeny boppers) going to their concerts, the whole punk-rock faction of society was calling them a sell out, and sending them death threats no less.  These were the people that were supporting them just 5 minutes prior.

But, this “thing” that I witnessed not too long ago struck me as bad.  Not just like “oh, this milk tastes funny” bad, but more along the lines of “I’m wondering if this is one of the signs of the apocalypse” kind of bad.  Told you I was going to be overdramatic.  The “thing” I’m referring to is the newly aligned Pearl Jam and Target.  That’s right, Pearl Jam, the bad who is notoriously difficult to work with and anti-everything commercial has teamed up with one of America’s largest commercial retailers to sell their new CD.  I about passed out when I saw the video.  No, seriously, they made a video too.  And to make it even worse, guess who directed the video?  Cameron Crowe, that’s who.  That was just the cherry on top of this sundae o’crap.

I mean, to be honest my first reaction was “Pearl Jam is still around?”  Because honestly, I was never a huge fan to begin with, but I always respected their game, you know.  No matter what, they always stuck to their guns, “We don’t sell out!”  I guess it’s true what they say though, everyone has their price.

So, you may be thinking that’s the end of my rant……sorry, no.  This little travesty made me start to dig backwards into the pop culture of the past decade to see if I could find anything worse than this scenario, or anyone else to blame for the downfall of my childhood.  And you know what?  I’ve found a bunch of people to blame.

First, I blame Ozzy Osbourne.  That’s right, the Prince of Darkness himself, and his whole freakish no-talent brood.  It all started to go downhill when MTV premiered this crap of a TV show in 2002.  Reality tv already had a firm grip around the scrotum of America for some time now, but with the premiere of the Osbourne’s a whole new genre of tv filth was born, the “Let’s follow this boring a-hole around everyday and film their wacky antics.”  So you can officially thank them for John and Kate plus 8.

From day one everyone knew this show was a joke.  But did we stop watching, no!!  MTV took an iconic Rock God and turned him into a bumbling Ward Cleaver who was stoned 24/7.  And don’t kid yourself, he *was* stoned the whole time that show was being filmed.  He eventually admitted it in 2009 to the BBC.  I mean come on man!!  The memories I have of Ozzy Osbourne are of the crazy mofo who fought off Nicky Sixx from Motley Crew to snort a line of ants.  Yes, ants the live insects.  Of course this was when he wasn’t too busy biting the heads off of bats or pigeons.   This whole family was a waste of space.  You know what the worst part is?  The most untalented of the bunch (i.e. wife Sharron and daughter Kelly) have had the most success since the show.  No-talent wife Sharron is a judge on a show called….wait for it…..America’s Got Talent!!  Yes, we do, but you don’t.  And Kelly, the foul mouthed drug addicted, bad CD releasing daughter was most recently on Dancing with the Stars where we regularly saw poppa Osbourne in the audience, crying with joy.  Shoot me now!!

Ugh….but see, they are not even the worst offender.  The person whom I have placed at the top of my S-List for messing with my childhood, public enemy number one if you will, didn’t even come from my generation, or any of those before me.  That’s what makes this notorious offender such a D-Bag.  He is of the younger spawn and chosen to make his living messing with what I hold near and dear.

I’m talking to you Shia LaBeouf.  I have deduced that Mr. LaBeouf is on a secret mission to destroy my childhood memories.  He is going to try and transplant all the good memories I have from my childhood with his suck-ass versions cerca-2000’s in hopes that we will just forget the original memories.  He’s my own personal terrorist.  Ok, maybe that was a little much, but you get what I’m saying.

I could understand one, maybe two slip-ups, but this jackass has now made a multitude of offenses.  And it’s not like he eased into it either.  No, this agent of destruction emerged like a Kamikaze fighter in a full-on Pearl Harbor type assault.  He went after my number one favorite childhood memory right out of the gates, my cartoons.  Not just any cartoon mind you, the greatest cartoon ever made, The Transformers.  He murdered it, literally.  And before I could even have a chance to catch my breath, he went after another hallowed franchise, Indiana Jones.

While my childhood was reeling from the back-to-back assaults, he snuck around and made a movie called Eagle Eye.  This was a strategic move in and of itself.  This sole action was designed to give us enough time to barely get our wits about us like an 80’s version of a Mike Tyson opponent (doesn’t matter which one, you pick.  They all got their ass kicked….I personally prefer Michael Spinks).  Then, like all agents of destruction do, he struck again without warning, this time returning to the original scene of the crime and hit us with Transformers 2.  This blow had my childhood firmly on the ropes. 

If that’s not bad enough, 2010 will see the sequel to one of the greatest 80’s movies ever, Wall Street.  Starring, that’s right you guessed it, Shia freaking LaBeouf.  Plus, 2011 will see Transformers 3.  STOP IT!!!  Have you not done enough damage?  Think of the children, or at least the children inside all of us that you are destroying.  I tell you people, this menace must be stopped, at all costs!!

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  1. #1 by Alexis on February 21, 2010 - 10:48 pm

    My personal travesty is Joan Jett selling the rights to “I Hate Myself for Loving You” to the NFL so Faith Hill could butcher it each and every Sunday of the football season……it hurts, Mike. It hurts.

  2. #2 by Jessica Lucente on February 21, 2010 - 10:48 pm

    Yeah! And what the f*ck happened to our Saturday am cartoons. Fucking gummi bears and GI Joe replaced by abominations like billy and mandy, f*cking hannah f*ucking montanna. All is lost. I can’t even talk about that f*ck shia without going on a keith olberman rant. I went to see indiana with my dad, and you must understand….the series is a legacy…a tradition if you will in the lucente household that we hold dear and sacred. I actually had to sit there watching him weep over what was probably the worst film ever made. That shit is unf-ing forgiveable. I had to drink for days to forget. If I ever have the chance to meet george lucas in my life time, he will pay for his insolence. Trust. I’m surprised you haven’t mentioned starwars. What the !@#$%^!!!! Generic acting, no sarcasm

  3. #3 by Jessica Lucente on February 21, 2010 - 10:53 pm

    Lol…..I stopped writing due to extreme anger……as I was saying…..awful acting, no sarcasm…..excessive really bad special effects. The only good childhood resurection this year has been jj’s startrek. Well f*cking done. But overall, all is definately lost. I weep for the future. Damned whippersnappers. F*ck em. Great idea, this blogging. This was fun, I’ll have to try it myself.

  4. #4 by George Clay on May 8, 2010 - 9:08 am

    Revenge of the Fallen ruined me on Transformers movies much like Spiderman 3 ruined me on anything Sam Raimi ever makes again. At least Favreau aint fuckin up Iron Man.

  5. #5 by Sireeda on March 19, 2012 - 1:58 pm

    One word..Battleship (The Movie). That movie is the knife that killed my childhood. how dare they make a movie from one of the best, most beloved games of the 80s! And the movie is complete garbage! I’m waiting for the ‘Candlyland” Movie! smh!

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