Stop Telling Me Not to Freak Out

Man, we really have to stop meeting like this! Not sure why I have hit this snag as of late knocking out blogs, but the issue seems to be getting worse. I always think about writing; shit, I have plenty to say, but I never seem to be able to hit that final motivation and sit down to put thought to paper….er, I mean to Microsoft Word. Who writes on paper anymore? But I digress.

Well, lucky you, I have sat to write (type) something out. One quick thought; you know what the root of my delays might be? I think it’s because I have this obsession of writing at least 3 pages per blog, for what reason I am not sure. I guess I felt more secure in that I got out what I needed to say if it’s around 3 pages. Maybe it would be easier if I started treating this blog like a journal, with shorter updates. Hmmm, it’s worth a thought.

Anyway, so a lot has happened since we last spoke, and not all of it is so great. But, one piece of news on the awesome front is that since the last blog the Wife and I have found out what she’s brewing up in that stomach. We anxiously await the arrival of our little boy this coming January. That’s right, we’re having a boy!!!! Well, she’s “having” the baby, but you know I mean. I have to admit when we went to our sonogram appointment and saw (clear as day) that we are having a boy a little piece of me was super excited. I would have been very happy had the tech said we were having a girl, because honestly at the end of the day, I just want the baby to be healthy.

I think where the little extra excitement stems from is the fact that I’ve always wanted to be a dad, and more I’ve always wanted to be able to be a dad to a little boy. Ever since I was young I always swore I be the most dedicated husband/dad this world has ever seen. I wanted to be the kind of person to a wife and kids that I never saw during my youth. Now I get that chance, and I am more than ready.

That’s the exciting news as of late. On a more somber note, we recently had a death in the family. While the passing was not a surprise, it was very difficult time for everyone, for a multitude of reasons. The Wife’s Grandmother (aka Grammie) passed away 3 weeks ago at the awesome age of 91. Grammie (Mary Huff) was one of the most wonderful women I have ever met in my entire life. She was smart, strong-willed, independent, soft and loving all at the same time, and especially close to my heart, she was veteran of this nation’s Navy.

We traveled to Boston to be with rest of the family in honoring this wonderful woman. The day was beautiful all around, but very stressful at the same time. It weighed on the Wife a lot as she was very close with Grammie. They had a special bond that was great to see. When I watched them interact over the years it always warmed my heart because it was the kind of relationship that you don’t see in families today…..which is sad for society. It made me realize that strong, loving and close families are still possible. I worried about the Wife a lot with all the travel, stress, and of course the stress on the Nugget. Though she was sad, the Wife handled everything like a champ.

We spent the rest of our time in Boston just relaxing at the house, and going through the Wife’s old baby things to see if anything was usable. Naturally, due to the fact the Wife is a girl, and the Nugget is a boy, not much was usable, lol. We did however take home a lot of old kids books to start reading to the Nugget. We came across a bunch of the old Little Golden Books. Do you remember those? I know I do. I loved those books man. I was so stoked to find those kinds of books for the Nug. It will be cool to pass down that kind of tradition. We finally returned home later this past week. It seemed our stress was far from over though.

The Wife and I had a very scary situation this past week. After returning home from a normal day of work, the Wife said she was feeling some pangs in her tummy. A quick side note; during this pregnancy I have to give the Wife and I a lot of credit. At our core we are both very big worriers. While we give each other shit for worrying so much, we both quietly obsess over things. Probably me more than her, but still.

Anyway, we played it cool as we both know that she is going to feel all kinds of weird feelings while her tummy grows and the Nugget matures. But, around 8pm that night the Wife said that the small cramps had now turned into full-on pains. This is about the point where my Freak-Out-O-Meter went off the chart. I surprised even myself how cool I kept it. I had to, because I could see in her face that fear had definitely set in, and I needed to be strong for her.

We set off for the hospital hoping, seriously hoping, to be told we are just first time parent fools, and that everything is ok, and go home. Unfortunately, that was not the answer we got. After some quick tests we were given the news that the Wife was having contractions. Yes, contractions. The very thing that happens when a woman is ready to start going into labor. The big problem here is, the Wife is only 25 weeks pregnant. This is nowhere near close to the time the Nugget needs to be thinking he needs to arrive.

One thing that struck me was the level of calm that the nurses and the doctors kept displaying. On one hand, it was great to feel like we had steady hands helping us, but on the other hand I was a ball of emotion ready to erupt. At one point I could barely keep it in because the nurses and doctor (with all the best intentions in the word) kept telling me in a cheerful demeanor to not freak out. That shit does not work for me. I’m the kind of person that you tell not to look down, I look down. So you tell me not to freak, guess what I’m going to do. But, I kept it together, because this was not the time, nor the place to kick in my normal sense of righteousness. I was keeping all my worry and fear caged up for the sake of the Wife’s wellbeing. I found out recently that she saw right through me, but appreciated my strong effort, lol.

The good news in all of this, during the numerous tests, the doctor assured us that the baby was doing great, and there were absolutely now signs of labor starting….other than the annoying contractions. Again, they tried to reassure me with the line “Don’t worry, stay calm.” This is about when I had heard enough, and the Wife, bless her heart, could see it. Since we already knew we were spending the night, plus most of the following day, the Wife sent me home to retrieve items that were needed for our extended stay.

My emotional state of mind was all over the place. The entire drive home I cried. I cried and I prayed, and I cried some more. In my previous blog I said that the sense of realness hit me when we saw the early ultrasound and I saw the Nugget moving around. But, to be honest, I still was missing something. I mean, I knew he was in there, and I knew I loved him already, but it wasn’t until that moment in the hospital…..that moment of realization that we could possibly lose the Nugget that I really “felt” a small sense of what it means to love someone more than yourself. But, another feeling set in that was even scarier.

My fear took an ugly turn. It began to turn to me fearing not only losing the Nugget, but what if something bad happened internally to my Wife. What would my life be if my Wife was not here? No, not my Wife; my partner; my life. She doesn’t like when I talk like this, but, my Wife is my world. I was at my lowest point in my life when the Lord brought Stephanie into my life. I honestly don’t know where I would be if she was not here. I prayed so hard when I got home and a moment to breathe. I began to let my mind get away from me, fearing that for some reason I would be allowed to keep one of them. I began to feel so horrible because I started to pray that if I was only allowed to keep one, it needed to be her. I love my Wife more than life itself. Every time I look into her eyes I see God. In that I mean I see joy, happiness, love, trust, and most of all I see faith. Faith in me. That is a feeling I have never seen before.

Even reading this over again, I still feel horrible that I even prayed that way, but it is the honest truth. I don’t want anything to happen to my soon-to-be son, but I don’t ever want to lose my Wife. She is my heart and soul. I felt like I was home for hours, when in reality I had only been sitting in the silence of our empty apartment, crying, for about 30 minutes.

On the drive back to the hospital, I had another conversation with God. I apologized for saying the things I said, even though I knew it wasn’t being held against me, and I rededicated my plea that both my Wife and our son be fine, and to let everything that the loving and caring (yet a little annoying) medical staff continue to say be true.

Luckily, when our stay at the hospital was over all the tests they ran on the Wife came back clean. There were still no signs of early labor, and the doctors sounded very confident that things would continue to progress in a positive manner. The Wife was put on bed rest, and I definitely intend on seeing that she follows it….as does she.

Though it came out of thinking the most horrible scenario, I came upon a important discovery. As much as I have always known how much I love my Wife, I found that my love has levels I wasn’t even aware of. My discovery of faith over the last few years has been a fantastic journey, and I am very thankful every day for all the wonderful gifts the Lord has brought into my life. But none more than the gift of light and joy that is my Wife. The Nugget is a lucky man to have a woman like her as his mom, because I know how lucky I am that she is my Wife.

Well….here we are at our 3 page limit again, lol. I promise to cut these down a bit, and make the a bit more frequent. You keep reading, I’ll keep writing. I just hope things get a bit less interesting for a bit. All this craziness is doing a number on my heart, lol.